Judging Ourselves

Take Pen to Paper: Edition 84

May 02, 2024

I recently rewatched the movie Hidden Figures.

Alessia Galatini, film and TV editor for The F-Word, describes a scene between Dorothy Vaughn (played by Octavia Spenser) and Vivian Mitchell (played by Kirsten Dunst). It’s one of the many stand-out scenes in the movie:

The relationship between the two characters is a marvellous example of internalised racism. Vivian is never explicitly rude or disrespectful to Dorothy although she insists on referring to Dorothy by her first name (whilst she is always referred to as Mrs Mitchell) demonstrating that she does not treat her as an equal. This leads to a poignant scene in the bathroom where Vivian says: “Despite what you might think, I have nothing against y’all.” Dorothy’s response is all there is to say: “I know you probably believe that.” This lack of sugar coating the truth is powerful and the audience is encouraged to hope that it will change Vivian’s mind.

In this newsletter:

We are poor judges of ourselves.
How to assess self-improvement.
Lessons from lessons.

Why we are poor at judging ourselves.

What struck me about the dialogue in the Hidden Figures seen above were the words, “I know you probably believe that.” It struck me differently from the situation in the movie.

Those words can be applied to so much.

The word “believe” speaks volumes. Believe means that we accept it as truth or our opinion. So, what we believe may not be a fact.

What we believe about ourselves may not necessarily be what others see in us.

It turns out that self-evaluation is difficult. In their study, Travis J. Carter and David Dunning wrote:

People live in an information environment that does not contain all the data they need for accurate self-evaluation. The information environment is insufficient in two ways. First, when making self-judgments, people lack crucial categories of information necessary to reach accurate evaluations. Second, although people receive feedback over time that could correct faulty self-assessments, this feedback is often biased, difficult to recognize, or otherwise flawed. Because of the difficulty in making inferences based on such limited and misleading data, it is unreasonable to expect that people will prove accurate in judgments of their skills.

What we believe about ourselves may be wrong, given the information we use to assess ourselves.

Assessing Progress Towards Self-Improvement

Don’t we all have goals to improve ourselves?

I know I do. I’ve written about my goals from year to year. The only way to know if I have improved is to measure my progress.

After forty-one years of writing goals for students with special needs, I know the elements needed in writing goals that students can attain. The same elements are needed when writing goals for personal development. They may even be needed more for personal development because we are poor judges of our skills.

We need a yardstick to measure our progress on our personal goals. It’s not enough to say, “I think I’m better.”

I have measurable goals, except for one. It’s one I didn’t even write down.

I want to be a better listener. To me, that means being present with others, hearing and thinking about the words they say, refraining from interrupting to tell my ‘similar’ story, and asking relevant questions if necessary.

Besides being silent and listening, I had no way to measure my progress other than thinking, “Yay! I did it” in the moment.

My Lessons From My Granddaughter’s Piano Lessons

Last week, I took my granddaughter to her piano lessons. I love to do this. I see my granddaughter in a different environment and spend a little one-on-one time with her.

Walking out of her teacher’s house after the lesson, my granddaughter said, “This makes me happy.”

I could have assumed she was just chattering like six-year-olds do. Or maybe she meant leaving piano lessons made her happy; after all, she hadn’t been specific, and that’s what we were doing. I didn’t have to answer at all, but I decided to ask for clarification. “What makes you happy?”

“Being at piano lessons.” I was happy I asked her because my thoughts weren’t going in that direction.

I didn’t follow up with a story about when I took piano, a statement about her nice teacher, or what I was learning watching her learn. I didn’t even compliment her on what a great job she was doing.

I just let it be and left her to her happy thoughts.

Reflecting on the experience, I wondered if I was becoming a better listener. Then I saw the movie Hidden Figures and realized it’s hard for me to judge. To my credit, I wrote and reflected on it in my journal. I guess that’s a start.

7 Days, 7 Thoughts on Gratitude and Good:

I took piano lessons ages ago and remember very little. I think I can struggle through “Chopsticks.” I am grateful for my granddaughter’s teacher and the methods she uses. 🎹
It’s good to practice your listening skills. Learning what others think might give you information about how you are viewed. The trick is to listen and remember you are listening to an opinion. 👂
I enjoyed this article on 10 tips for active listening. I think I managed six out of the ten in my conversation with my granddaughter.
It’s good to learn to listen to our instincts. Get comfortable with some no-tech time alone so you can hear your inner thoughts. 🧘
Being a good listener is part of being good at conversation. Check out what Sahil Bloom and Matt Hogan have to say about this.
It’s good to question how you are assessing your skills. You may discover you are not assessing what you think. 📉
It’s good to write your goals as a S.M.A.R.T. goal. SMART goals are used in many professional learning situations. They can be used for personal growth, too. Check out this video on using SMART goals for personal growth.

Thank you for reading. This week, be a good listener for someone who needs to be heard.

Until next time,

💚

Susan

What are you trying to improve about yourself? How do you know if you are making progress? Leave a comment and tell me about it. You may have advice for me.

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