Walking into a New Group can be Like Walking into a Jungle

Take Pen to Paper: Edition 107

Oct 10, 2024

Hello,

I am happy you came back. Take a seat anywhere and enjoy the read.

Isn’t it nice to get a friendly greeting when you walk into a room? You may or may not know the people you join, but that shouldn’t matter. You are walking into a new opportunity, and you should feel welcome.

There is a bad habit we hold on to from elementary school that closes many doors to opportunity when you are joining a group of people.

In this newsletter:

Our habits may prohibit us from making friends.
How not to greet a newcomer.
Consequences and missed opportunities.

The Dynamics of Friendships

This weekend, I was at the library with my granddaughters. The three-year-old immediately joined one other toddler in the children’s area, where toys and books are easy for little explorers to reach. With very little parental guidance, the two children sat sharing toys and books. All that mattered to them was they had someone to play with.

Sometime between preschool and first grade, children become possessive of their friends.

Every Monday, I see that change in behavior while volunteering for lunch duty at my oldest granddaughter’s school. By first grade, students start saving seats for their friends at the lunch table. They don’t all do it, but many do.

Haven’t we all done this at some time in our life?

I have mixed feelings about this. On the one hand, we should do favors for our friends. That is one aspect of bonding and building a relationship. On the other hand, someone gets left out and hurt. What about the child who hasn’t made any friends?

I’ve moved around enough to have experienced walking into a room where I knew nobody. It’s challenging. During my teenage years, it was brutal. Cliques among my peers were well-formed. I remember hoping someone would welcome me and give me a chance.

Luckily, I did not stay friendless. I always seemed to find someone who welcomed me into their group of friends. My experiences also helped me learn to be on the lookout for others.

Save Me A Seat

This behavior does not go away in adulthood.

In my first art class, I approached a cluster of four tables with only one seat occupied. The participant immediately informed me, “These seats are taken.”

I remember thinking (not saying out loud), “Is this fifth grade?” But, as an adult, I had no problem moving to a different cluster of tables. I’ll admit that the lingering child in me was hurt to be so bluntly rejected.

You may be thinking, “What’s wrong with saving seats?”

There is nothing wrong with saving seats. There is something wrong with greeting someone with the underlying message of, “This group is closed. You are not invited.” There are nicer ways she could have greeted me and explained the situation.

Now, I’ve been in the class long enough to know what seats to avoid. I recognize newcomers and make a point to approach new classmates with a warm welcome.

This past week, I had such an opportunity. A new student walked into class and, unbeknownst to her, walked to one of the “saved seats.” When I heard those words echoed from my first class, I spoke up and invited the newcomer to sit by me.

Why not create an opportunity to make a new friend?

When Old Habits Block Opportunities

The art class has a core group of eight to ten students. It rarely exceeds 16. Most of us see each other weekly and know each other as acquaintances.

I have difficulty understanding why seats are saved in a small group that meets weekly.

I have saved a seat in art class for my daughter-in-law the few times she has joined me. I consider it bonding time, so of course, we want to sit together. Occasionally, others invite friends or family members who have never attended. Saving a seat makes it more comfortable for them to join a new group.

Some habits are hard to break. We fall into a routine and don’t think about doing the same thing every week. We don’t think about the consequences and missed opportunities. Consistently saving seats, shooing others away, and sitting with the same people block the opportunity to move beyond acquaintance to friend. They are a deterrent to embracing the possibility of making new friends.

The preoccupation with saving seats can prevent you from saying a simple ‘hello.’

Don’t think I am suffering. I love art class and enjoy the relationships I am developing. I talk to and ask everyone questions.

I’m grateful to be aware of group dynamics and how I can contribute to a positive experience for both newcomers and regulars. I never know when I will meet someone who will want to grab a cup of coffee and talk about one of my other interests. (Journaling or antiquing, anyone?)

It’s okay to save a seat for someone, but when you do, you might consider turning to the person on your other side and starting a conversation.

7 Days, 7 Thoughts on Gratitude and Good:

My daughter-in-law, granddaughter, and I sat beside each other when we took a painting class together. The picture above shows our artwork. 🦁
As good or bad as you may think cliques are, they are a normal part of social development.
As Judith Sills, Ph.D., points out in this article, being left out is “a grade-school agony” that recurs throughout life.
A quote: “I choose to give my life for those who have been left out of the sunlight of opportunity.” - Martin Luther King, Jr. 🌞
It’s good to remember that while you may feel uncomfortable approaching someone new, they may also feel uncomfortable.
We always have a choice in our words and actions. I’ve shared this story from high school previously. It’s a good example of choosing welcome words over no words or unwelcome words.
It’s good to remember that one friendly action, even just a smile, can make all the difference. 😊

Thank you for reading. This week, consider how you greet someone for the first time.

Until next time,

💚

Susan

What was the friendliest greeting you ever received? Leave a comment and let me know. I would love to read about it. I still think mine is the one I wrote about in Take Pen to Paper: Edition 42. If you are a new subscriber, you may want to take a peek.

🙏Bonus thru November🙏

Last year, I created a free gratitude template for anyone interested in either:

starting a daily gratitude practice
stretching your gratitude practice

The template is 31 topics and example sentences for gratitude. Thirty-one topics will get you through each day in any month. Isn’t November a great time to start?

My journaling habit started with gratitude. It has brought me more than I imagined, so it’s natural for me to recommend it.

I love having a guide and examples when I take on a new endeavor. I hope this template provides that for anyone who wants to use it. There are three ways to access the template.

Access and make a copy of this Google Document: The Daily Gratitude Habit Jumpstart
Go to The Daily Gratitude Jumpstart by clicking this link https://sgsabel.gumroad.com/l/DailyGratitudeHabitJumpstart. Or enter it into your browser.
When you scroll down the page, you should see my Gumroad home page without the “Name a fair Price” section circled. In the “Name a fair price” box, put the numeral “0” because this is free! You provide your email, and a copy will be sent to you to download.

You can also access Gumroad through my website, takepentopaper.com, which has a link to the site described above.

Let me know if you have any problems by commenting or answering this email. Technology and I are often at odds, and I may need to tweak access.

I will post the above in my newsletter throughout November. Remember, the template is not month-specific. Use it any time.

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