Negativity, Judgment and Gratitude

Take Pen to Paper: Edition 128

Susan G.S. Abel

Mar 06, 2025

Hi, Friends!

It is easy to sit silently listening and pass judgment about the speaker.

I am guilty of this.

That’s what I found myself doing in my art class last week.

In this newsletter:

Listeners hear the good and the bad.
Judgment comes naturally.
Sometimes it’s worth the listen.

A Mixed Bag Of Topics

In Take Pen to Paper: Edition 124, I wrote about listening. It is a super power, but it can sometimes be difficult to bear.

You don’t necessarily choose what you listen to. Sometimes you can block out the speaker (hopefully, not if they are speaking to you), but sometimes you can’t.

A listener has no control over what the speaker says. As the listener, you may find yourself at the speaker’s mercy.

That’s where I found myself in art last week when I arrived early. The only other classmate there was the one who saves seats (Take Pen to Paper: Edition 107). She has a friendly, yet strong, and sometimes negative, personality. After greeting each other, she started talking. I listened.

I don’t even remember how the conversation (monologue?) began, but the negativity commenced and I was a captive audience.

Judgment Is Difficult To Avoid

You must know someone well to have a true understanding of their life.

We don’t know what each person carries with them daily, which by itself is a good reason not to judge others.

But we judge anyway.

We judge out of habit. Every day, we make small judgments to help us make decisions throughout the day, like what to eat. Should I cook with broccoli or mushrooms? Which is the freshest? Which needs to be used first?

Naturally, our judgment habit flows over to our relationships with people. Do I want to spend more time, or any time with this person? They are too loud, too disagreeable, really gracious, too negative, and the adjectives go on and on.

We don’t make the distinction between making value judgements and critical judgments.

Value judgments are based on your standards. I don’t like cooking broccoli that has turned yellow.
Critical judgments are based on the information you have gathered to form an opinion. Fresh broccoli tastes better than frozen broccoli.

We make both kinds of judgments, but we do not always distinguish the two in our minds. Critical judgments can be harmful if we make them and close our mind to the possibility that our opinion is wrong.

Words Worth Hearing

I sat listening to my classmate complain about her recent surgery and her family that came to help her. I thought she needed to vent so I let her.

She continued to tell me how all her family who came to help her weren’t much help; all they did was complain about being there. I immediately thought, “like you are complaining to me now?” I made the critical judgment that this sounded like a family trait! (This is how negativity works. It’s like a blight spreading over the land.)

I forced myself to remember my gratitude and what it has taught me.

Not everyone has what I have. I’ve learned to be empathetic (though I do have momentary lapses) to those who are grumpy and complain. I do not know what they are experiencing. I must be gracious.

As my classmate talked, I could see where her (sometimes) negativity came from.

After ten minutes of listening, I could only think to say, “That must be hard to go through.”

Then she surprised me with words that made me think I had judged too quickly.

“Well, you make your good time.”

Words worth listening to. I’m glad I was listening.

Two fun creations and the mess behind the creative process. Art, photos, and mess by S.G.S. Abel.

7 Days, 7 Thoughts on Gratitude and Good:

It’s good to remember that sometimes we don’t see the process; we often see only what others want us to see.
It’s a good thing to show your appreciation to those who listen to your messy life. A simple “thanks for listening” will do.
I found this article about judging others interesting and informative.
I am grateful for my patience to listen, especially if it makes the speaker feel better.
A quote: “We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak.” - Epictetus
Sometimes I have trouble exiting a conversation. If you struggle like me, here are 60 ways to consider.
I am grateful to be considered a friend by others, and that they feel comfortable enough to tell me what is underneath the surface.

Thank you for reading. This week turns towards empathy when you hear someone grumble.

Until next time,

💚

Susan

What are your strategies for not grumbling to others? Leave a comment and let me know. I would love to hear your thoughts.

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